Tuesday, July 19, 2016

WHY CAN'T THINGS BE MORE COOL?

I realize that the world seems both dangerous and crazy right now, and that what is happening in our country
causes pain and soul-searching about how we can make things better. That's why I am writing this completely no-segue-here blog about why we need things to be cooler. Because--just for a minute or two--we need to give our wounded hearts a rest. So here are a couple of things that irritated me this morning as I began my 30-minute makeup marathon apres chemo:

--Why is it so damn boring flossing one's teeth? You'd think that an activity to improve our health (gum disease and cardiac issues) would be funner. Or more fun. Maybe I need to reward myself with a crispy creme at the end.

--Why aren't Band-aids easier to open? When you need one, you NEED one, and not some pathetic minuscule patch sealed in a paper holder which refuses to open. You end up ripping the thing to shreds while blood drips down your hand, looking as if "Saw" had been filmed in your bathroom with you in a starring role.

--Why are toes so damn weird? I used to have quite pretty ones in a narrow size. Now, due to several fractures, I have to tape them, wear larger size shoes, and also--did I forget to mention the least sexy thing about my feet now--orthotics. Sigh.

--Why must I wear a mouth retainer at night? This is a serious impediment to French kissing or any other kind of kissing for that matter. I know it prevents me grinding my teeth to dust, but couldn't there be a cooler way to do this? Like a paisley retainer with a flirty taste of champagne inside?

--Why can I remember what I paid for my first two-piece bathing suit--a green/white batik Rose Marie Reed one for $13.95--when I was thirteen, and I can't remember facts I studied about Caravaggio for a novel I was writing or the name of my insurance company?

--Why do I think returning to Muumuus would be a good fashion decision?  Pair them with flip-flops and you're set to go.  No more weird, constraining bras; no clutchy underwear; no fussy dressing in the a.m., just pop, and you're dressed. Slip, and you're shod. (And note--the Vermont Country Store had 42 different Muumuus at latest count, clearly still in demand.)

So, I ask you: besides working for social justice, racial harmony, and sanity in our electoral process, let's find some ways to make our lives more cool.  Or cooler. And funner.


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