CHEMO MAKES ENGLISH MY SECOND LANGUAGE
ONE ENTERTAINING RESULT OF CHEMO BRAIN IS MY INABILITY TO FIND AND RETRIEVE WORDS. I TOLD A FRIEND THAT SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT WORD IS LIKE FUMBLING IN A LADY'S BIG HANDBAG STUFFED WITH THINGS, AND ONLY FINDING--TORN KLEENEX, OLD MOVIE STUBS, STALE TUMS, BUT NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
CASE IN POINT--ON TODAY'S WALK WITH RICK AND OUR DOG UP THE ROAD, MY HUSBAND REMARKED, "I THINK I FELT A DROP OF RAIN." I SAID, "IT WOULD BE HARD TO FEEL IT WITH ALL OF THAT VERBIAGE OVERHEAD." A FEW SECONDS LATER, I GAVE AN EMBARRASSED LAUGH AND SAID, "I MEANT FOLIAGE. FOLIAGE." YOU LITTLE SNEAK, HIDING IN MY RIGHT FRONTAL LOBE!
ANOTHER INCIDENT OCCURRED IN JUNE WHEN THIS FRISKY, BLUE CERAMIC FISH FOUNTAIN I HAD BOUGHT FOR FATHER'S DAY BEGAN TO SPOUT WATER OUT OF ITS MOUTH. IT IS ON OUR DECK AND IS HOOKED UP TO A SMALL SOLAR PANEL WHICH POWERS THE FOUNTAIN. "LOOK!" I SAID EXCITEDLY. FISH? GIRAFFE? CHLOROX? FEENAMINT? "AH, JUICY MOUTH IS SPOUTING, HONEY." SO NOW THE FISH IS CHRISTENED, "JUICY MOUTH."
YESTERDAY I ASKED RICK, "WHERE ARE THOSE--UM--THINGS THAT KEEP THE SUN FROM BURNING HOLES IN YOUR RETINAS?" HE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEY WERE, BUT BY FAITHFULLY TRAWLING OUR LOWER FLOOR I FINALLY FOUND MY SUNGLASSES. I CAN RECOGNIZE THINGS VISUALLY JUST FINE; IT'S THE NAMING OF THEM THAT IS BEYOND MY CRUMPLED BRAIN.
THIS REMINDS ME OF MY STEP-MOTHER, ATHENA, WHOSE DAD WAS BORN ON SICILY. HAVING ALSO LIVED IN ITALY FOR AWHILE, ATHENA COULD SPEAK ITALIAN FAIRLY FLUENTLY. BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN SHE WAS REDUCED TO DESCRIBING WHAT AN OBJECT DID AND WAS FOR, AS IN, "PLEASE PASS THE BLACK STUFF WE PUT ON FOOD TO SPICE IT UP." I AM WITH HER ON THIS.
PEOPLE TELL ME THEY HAVE THE SAME TROUBLE, "OH, WE'RE ALL GETTING OLDER, ANNIE, DON'T WORRY!" BUT THAT IS NOT IT. TRUST ME. ONLY A YEAR AND A-HALF AGO, PRIOR TO CHEMO, I WAS MOSTLY IN MY RIGHT MIND. I MIGHT FORGET A FEW THINGS, BUT I SURE AS HELL WAS NOT CALLING A WATER FOUNTAIN, "JUICY MOUTH," OR SUBSTITUTING "VERBIAGE" FOR "FOLIAGE."
THERE ARE MANY OTHER HUMBLING EXAMPLES, BUT SOME ARE TOO HUMILIATING EVEN FOR THIS BLOG. BUT MAYBE THIS IS THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE JOURNEY OF RECOVERY--LEARNING HUMILITY. WHEN I CAN'T FIND A WORD, I SHRUG, SMILE, SUBSTITUTE SOMETHING VAGUELY ALIKE, AND MOVE ON. MAYBE MY BRAIN WILL COME BACK--MAYBE IT WON'T, LIKE OUR TERRIER CHASING AFTER A SQUIRREL UNTIL SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT (BARKING HYSTERICALLY), AND REFUSING TO COME WHEN CALLED. SOME FOGGY MORNING MAY FIND ME ON OUR DECK CALLING, "HERE BRAIN, COME BACK BRAIN, I MISS YOU!"
CASE IN POINT--ON TODAY'S WALK WITH RICK AND OUR DOG UP THE ROAD, MY HUSBAND REMARKED, "I THINK I FELT A DROP OF RAIN." I SAID, "IT WOULD BE HARD TO FEEL IT WITH ALL OF THAT VERBIAGE OVERHEAD." A FEW SECONDS LATER, I GAVE AN EMBARRASSED LAUGH AND SAID, "I MEANT FOLIAGE. FOLIAGE." YOU LITTLE SNEAK, HIDING IN MY RIGHT FRONTAL LOBE!
ANOTHER INCIDENT OCCURRED IN JUNE WHEN THIS FRISKY, BLUE CERAMIC FISH FOUNTAIN I HAD BOUGHT FOR FATHER'S DAY BEGAN TO SPOUT WATER OUT OF ITS MOUTH. IT IS ON OUR DECK AND IS HOOKED UP TO A SMALL SOLAR PANEL WHICH POWERS THE FOUNTAIN. "LOOK!" I SAID EXCITEDLY. FISH? GIRAFFE? CHLOROX? FEENAMINT? "AH, JUICY MOUTH IS SPOUTING, HONEY." SO NOW THE FISH IS CHRISTENED, "JUICY MOUTH."
YESTERDAY I ASKED RICK, "WHERE ARE THOSE--UM--THINGS THAT KEEP THE SUN FROM BURNING HOLES IN YOUR RETINAS?" HE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEY WERE, BUT BY FAITHFULLY TRAWLING OUR LOWER FLOOR I FINALLY FOUND MY SUNGLASSES. I CAN RECOGNIZE THINGS VISUALLY JUST FINE; IT'S THE NAMING OF THEM THAT IS BEYOND MY CRUMPLED BRAIN.
THIS REMINDS ME OF MY STEP-MOTHER, ATHENA, WHOSE DAD WAS BORN ON SICILY. HAVING ALSO LIVED IN ITALY FOR AWHILE, ATHENA COULD SPEAK ITALIAN FAIRLY FLUENTLY. BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN SHE WAS REDUCED TO DESCRIBING WHAT AN OBJECT DID AND WAS FOR, AS IN, "PLEASE PASS THE BLACK STUFF WE PUT ON FOOD TO SPICE IT UP." I AM WITH HER ON THIS.
PEOPLE TELL ME THEY HAVE THE SAME TROUBLE, "OH, WE'RE ALL GETTING OLDER, ANNIE, DON'T WORRY!" BUT THAT IS NOT IT. TRUST ME. ONLY A YEAR AND A-HALF AGO, PRIOR TO CHEMO, I WAS MOSTLY IN MY RIGHT MIND. I MIGHT FORGET A FEW THINGS, BUT I SURE AS HELL WAS NOT CALLING A WATER FOUNTAIN, "JUICY MOUTH," OR SUBSTITUTING "VERBIAGE" FOR "FOLIAGE."
THERE ARE MANY OTHER HUMBLING EXAMPLES, BUT SOME ARE TOO HUMILIATING EVEN FOR THIS BLOG. BUT MAYBE THIS IS THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE JOURNEY OF RECOVERY--LEARNING HUMILITY. WHEN I CAN'T FIND A WORD, I SHRUG, SMILE, SUBSTITUTE SOMETHING VAGUELY ALIKE, AND MOVE ON. MAYBE MY BRAIN WILL COME BACK--MAYBE IT WON'T, LIKE OUR TERRIER CHASING AFTER A SQUIRREL UNTIL SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT (BARKING HYSTERICALLY), AND REFUSING TO COME WHEN CALLED. SOME FOGGY MORNING MAY FIND ME ON OUR DECK CALLING, "HERE BRAIN, COME BACK BRAIN, I MISS YOU!"
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