THE LIGHTNING BOLT OF BOURDAIN'S SUICIDE

Another one down. And we don't even know the thousands upon thousands of people who kill themselves. I wanted to write, "choose to kill themselves," but in all honesty, I wonder how much of a choice is involved. If you are wounded, desperate, hounded by demons within and without, lacking any hope in the future, feeling your life is unredeemed, and without the grounding of faith--all this could push you to jump off a bridge or hang yourself.

I didn't follow Anthony Bourdain closely, but I admired and respected him. (My "kids" loved him.)  He was such a badass. Such a larger than life figure. So full of moxie, adventure, sass, and honesty. Also a seriously wonderful chef as well as a dedicated consumer of wild cuisine. He grabbed us by the hand (or threw us on the back of his motorcycle or ATV) and shouted over his shoulder, "Come on down, baby! Let's go on an adventure."  Whether it was drinking beer and eating noodles with President Obama in Hanoi or sussing out the best local restaurants in Morocco, he had a nose for the marvelous and the authentic.  He taught us how to live. Without fear. Taking risks. And he supported those who were marginalized, abused, and were immigrants.

But you have to wonder what demons lived within, and what demons pushed him into the hot, cranky, pulsating world of professional cooking--with drugs on the side, women to hit on, blazing success eventually, and more.  He spoke of cooking as a salvation for misfits, as finding a place and tribe for yourself in the professional kitchen.

This morning I spoke with a friend, a valued and respected therapist, and we shared our thoughts about whether Bourdain had sustained any neurological damage from drug and alcohol use. Perhaps he even had some brain damage? I suspect--though I do not know--that immersing yourself in drugs and alcohol for years brings with it a cost. This is not a judgment, just an attempt to understand. And to take further note: in the "NY Times Weekly Update" of Sunday, 6/10/18, the CDC reports that most people to kill themselves are found to have alcohol or drugs in their system.

His death was so sudden, so unexpected that it was like a clap of thunder. When lightning crashes through the atmosphere, it heats the air which expands and separates the air particles==thunder. (My old explanation was that when lightning bolts through the air it actually leaves an empty space--for a moment--which then is filled by air coming together again==thunder.)  I think of Anthony's death like that--someone who blazed through life, and in death, parted the air to fall to earth and thunder boomed.