WHY I HATE FEBRUARY

   You would think that by Feb. 1st, or at least the 5th, that January would be far behind us with its dreary gray days, its strange unsettling mix of rain, sleet, snow, and something granular which freezes and Dave Hayes knows the name of but which I have forgotten. Graupel?

 AND WHY IS THAT? BECAUSE FEBRUARY IS FUCKING WITH MY BRAIN. SEE GRAPHIC BELOW.

 Seriously. I am not exaggerating. Any one of us here with an Autonomic Nervous System Disorder (fondly known as, "ANS") knows that this weather wreaks havoc on our bodies and what used to pass as our "brains." So what comes up during this dismal month, which could well be the setting for a Victorian murder mystery as in the Charles Lenox series, where it is usually either raining, sleeting, snowing, and perhaps there are 2 days with sunshine and a sweet breeze. Then fog sets in, and it is a yellow one due to the coal burning fireplaces.

--brain fog--

hard to imagine if you haven't ever experienced it, but imagine that yellow pea-soup London fog sliding into your brain, making any kind of rational or decisive thought impossible. That could be why I spend way more time than I should sitting on the couch, scrolling through Pinterest, because social media works amazingly well for brain fog. Also the times when you cannot get a word out and communication seems to have failed, another side effect of dysautonomia. "Houston, we have a problem!"

--Peripheral Neuropathy,

 one of my fonder side effects of surgery and chemo. Imagine sitting on the toilet totally naked (not 'cause you are about to have some intimate fun), getting dressed, but first come the compression stockings. (Sounds of a dire drum roll in the distance, and scary "The Birds" music as well.) If you have PN, you have to wear these in the winter, and in fact, most of the time because it keeps the blood, mostly, from pooling in your lower limbs. 20-30 range of compression is good, but this means I am leaning precariously, naked remember, against the wall painted in our cheery terracotta color, inserting a foot into these damn stockings which mostly get stuck on toe nails and bits of odd rigid skin which I seem to be developing in my 70s. Sheesh. Maybe I am growing claws?

--Once on, then the rest of the clothes follow, slowly of course. And makeup, because, remember, IT IS FEBRUARY and we have to do something to keep up our spirits, other than snorting white powder like Don Trump Jr.

--Breathing heavily. Again, not as in fun intimate games, but as in PN (peripheral neuropathy) where you sometimes experience what is cozily known as "air hunger," 

when you breathe deeply trying to get enough air within to propel you upright into the kitchen so you (meaning me) can cook keto meals to help the old body.

--Outside, strange precipitation is dropping from the gray sky, 

making the deck a trecherous skating rink. (Why can't I spell that word? Is it another damn February thing?) But I manfully, or womanfully, pull on boots with crampons fastened to them and stride--well, let's be honest--walk like a toddler who needs a diaper change--around the deck with my walking pole to get my steps in because, again, we have to do something to mitigate the awfulness of this month.

--Ah, I forgot the blessings of pink Himalayan Salt (now why can I spell that but not trecherous?). When you have Dysautonomia, drinking lots of salt in water is a good thing, even though it tastes like crap. Not like champagne at all or a good white wine. I forget how this works, but it has something to do with improving blood flow to the body and the brain, hopefully making that damn brain fog go the way of childhood fevers.

--The only good thing about February that I can see is cooking in my lovely kitchen, lots of keto foods 'cause I am back on that in case you are interested: lots of fat, low-carb, modest protein.

 It actually helps the PN I have found, and making crack brownies with fake caramel syrup on top (massive amounts of butter plus allulose) strengthens the soul. So tonight we are having keto mac 'n cheese (chopped cauliflower with lots of butter, cheese, and bacon on top), fennel and apple salad, and our favorite keto desert of full-fat ricotta, mixed with monk fruit and cocoa powder, topped with shredded coconut, non-sweet chocolate chips, and whipped cream with raspberries on top. Because we all know that February calls for sweet things with red berries.

 May your February have more red in it, sweet berries, better weather, sunshine, and less graupel.