HOW WORDS DIED IN OUR THROATS

 

    In a summarized quote from the wonderful activist and writer Rebecca Solnit, 

she described what it was like to be a woman, with men telling her what to do and say--"mansplaining." One even told her about the book she had written, not knowing who she was. She spoke of how the breath stuck in her throat, and "words died in my mouth" when men tried to quiet her. Her words were so powerful they felt like a punch to my gut. My 80 year-old gut that is.

 

    And it made me go back in my own history to look at the ways in which mansplaining has been a part of my life. Here is a disclaimer however: as an independent writer of children's books, working from home, I have not often had the experiences of being silenced that other women have had in their work places. Although there are a few...

--I was a High School debater, a good one in fact, in the early 1960s. Our debating team had gone to NY City to debate, "Should There Be Federal Aid To Education?" at Columbia University. 

It felt marvelous to be there, heady, and as if I were part of something wonderful and larger than my own life in a small NE town in Massachusetts. After I had finished my part in the debate, a male Columbia student came up to me, and said, "You need to smile more." That was it. Just--don't talk so much, don't be so passionate, don't express yourself so well. Just. Smile. More. Your words are not important. I never forgot that.

--And fast forward to my engagement to my darling husband, Rick, whom I had fallen in love with when I was 16 in High School. We later broke up, went to college, then got back together again the summer I was 19 before I left for a JYA in Oxford, England. But then Rick flew over to be part of a UMASS summer of study in Oxford. We both had a mystical experience hearing "St. John's Passion" at Christ Church Cathedral, got engaged, traveled, and returned for our Senior Year in College. (It's coming. Wait for it.) One day in my parents' home, my older brother told me that it was a good thing I was going to marry Rick, "..because he is the only one who can control you." Really? As Rick said, "Man, did he ever get THAT one wrong!"

--Fast forward a few years to when Rick and I were building, with a huge amount of help, our own house on Briar Hill Rd. Some dude came to our door at one point asking me, "Is the boss man at home?" Really? Boss man? I think my jaw dropped open before I could find a good and cutting reply. Where were you when I was dropping the plumb line to build our rock foundation, eh? Or, where were you when I was mixing mortar and learning how to "butter" a cement block?

 

--I expect the next time I was subjected to the--talk less, be less passionate--time was when I had organized a local chapter of "Voice of the Faithful" at our wonderful Catholic Church in Northampton. As a sexual abuse survivor, I had very strong feelings about the need for our church to support victims and faithful priests who were doing the best they could. At the first meeting 200 people showed up to listen to a marvelous priest from Newton, MA. Afterwards, one guy criticized me for organizing this chapter, telling me I had just come into the church, a newbie, and should not be doing this. Huh.

 

--And one other small event: when I was coming into the Catholic Church, one male relative tried to persuade me I was making a big mistake, that being in a church with the Pope as head was nowhere near as good as being in the Episcopal Church. Clearly, he felt I was in error and had no qualms about telling me that. As an adult in her 50s!

    A recent article in The Atlantic set forth some new revelations about the whole "trad-wife" movement and the men who celebrated this. According to this article, the men they interviewed did not see women as people to be cherished and protected--as you might think--but held contempt for their women partners without whom they did not feel "whole." While dependent, the men apparently wished they were not. Hence the contempt.

 

    So, these are just a few of my experiences where breath stuck in my throat and "words died in my mouth." But not for long! It just is such a long, hard road for women--in the past, and up through the years to the present. I have watched with sadness how women have been shunted out of leadership roles in the Catholic Church, despite early church history showing that women played vital roles during that time: Priscilla, Junia, Phoebe, and let us not forget Mary Magdalene and the other Marys.

 

    I have no real advice to young women growing up now in a seriously misogynistic country, with a president who apparently loathes women. (Look at who is being fired, it is all women so far.) My only advice is this: keep talking, show up, be passionate, don't let men tell you what you can and cannot do. And perhaps, in your lifetime, you will see Women Deacons, maybe even Women Priests in the C.C. And this is one reason I also attend a UCC church, because there women are valued, have leadership roles, and I can even preach a sermon! Mirabile Dictu!