CONFESSIONS I WISH I HAD DONE

 Confession, or Reconciliation as Catholics now call it, is not an easy thing to do. One is meant to go at least once a year, especially before Lent. Missed last 2 years due to knee surgery and the pandemic.

 

 First off: Kneeling on those tiny wooden shelves, or platters as I call them, is tricky for someone with bad knees and balance problems. One time when doing it at SEAS in Northampton, I fell off the platter onto the floor on my back. I was laughing so hard it was difficult to make a "good" confession, meaning I got out all of the ways in which my life and thoughts separated me from God, all the ways I had harmed and hurt others, and the ways in which my prayer life had gone South. I saved those for another time when I was not on my back on the floor, laughing hysterically.

 We are not meant to swear in Confession. That is a given. But these are a few ways in which I would--honestly--like to go to Confession.

1/ Father, I have sinned in various and sundry ways--

--I have been an asshat to my kids.

 

--I have indulged myself at every opportunity and become an Amazon tart.

 

--I have so much crap in my closets, bookcases, beneath the couch, etc., that I am in danger of being buried alive. I have become a damn shopaholic.

2/ Father, my life is in a crapitude situation.

--I have hurt my friends by not showing up.

--I have hurt my family by being an asshat and having brain fog, so I misunderstand communications (getting deaf, are we, Annie?) and replying to emails before I think. Anyone who has gone through chemo and has an autonomic nervous system disorder will understand this.

3/ Father, I am guilty of being a fart to my beloved husband, being more focused on cooking and eating and forgetting the mess and clean up I leave for him, despite wiping counters down with dishtowels and occasionally the dog. A great post on Insta recently showed black pants covered with white hairs and the words were, "This is not dandruff, this is dog confetti!"

--I am putting myself before others.

--I am making excuses for myself.

--Food is becoming my drug of choice, despite the needs of others the poor and the unhoused.

4/ Father, I have let everyone down in a multitude of ways. I am guilty, sorrowful, and have no idea what penance would be appropriate. Donating money? Cleaning my room? Vacuuming beneath the couch? Brushing the dog's terrible teeth? Cleaning the gutters?You name it, I will try to do it.

I know there is more, and despite the humor and wonky words, this actually contains some real stuff, things I need to work on. I like to think of myself as a good person, good parent, caring friend, a serious prayer, etc. etc. But the reality is--I fail so often. I just need to acknowledge that to the wider world.

 I think brushing the dog's stinky teeth should be enough penance, don't you?

N.B.: when I use the word "Father," I am not referring to God, who is without gender, but to the priest, as this is how we address him during Confession. Maybe I will live so long as to have it be "Mother."