CRUISING IN MY BODY

 

   It is rather bizarre to once again be in a body that has cancer. Oh, we all know that cancer cells appear with frightening regularity, and that most times, our immune systems suppress them. Or eat them for lunch. But apparently this time my immune system was eating fries with ketchup at some backwater diner in Indiana. Or Ohio.  Whatever.

  I really cannot be angry at my immune system, for after all, it has kept me safe for the last almost-ten years since my last dance with cancer. But on less generous days, I shake an imaginary fist at it asking, Couldn't you have been more vigilant for another couple of years? Please? And as I live within this body I re-imagine a post I did some years back during cancer where I compared myself to an old Citroen jalopy with wheel hubs falling off, brakes sketchy, and the steering wheel out of true.

 

  Apparently, walking 5-6 miles per day, loving one's husband and kids, eating healthily, belonging to a church, giving money to charity, having good friends, and more do not make a shield against cancer. They should, damn it! One of the problems with having a serious disease is that you always ask yourself: Could I have done something different? Should I have never had wine again? Was it me or something I said?

  One of the things I adore about my daughter-in-law, among many other things, is that when I had that difficult phone conversation with my son about this new cancer and how I always wonder if I could have done something different, I heard her saying loudly in the background: "You did everything right! You did nothing wrong! It is not your fault!" That is the kind of reassurance we need at times like this.

 

  So what else do I do to keep grounded and my spirits at least level as opposed to plummeting? As you know, I adore making lists, especially when the world without and within seems chaotic.

1/ I have gone back to Writing Poetry. I did it for many years, have published some poetry books (mostly for kids but one for adults), and always loved that singing within. Even if it was a dark singing. Sometimes I send my poems to friends and they write back with warm and encouraging words. It all helps.

 

2/ I garden when I can and when it is either not raining or brutally hot. As it is today. Two days back I went out and picked peas, storing them in a little white bag I sling around my wrist. I also found a bunch of new string beans which I steamed for supper. I tell ya: opening pea pods and scraping out the green globes is one of life's great pleasures. It is so concrete. It is the opposite of fear. My dad would agree, who was a great gardener and had a large plot all through our growing up. I probably got my love of growing vegetables from my dad.

 

3/ I pray. A lot. Every morning I read Scripture in my Catholic publication, "Give Us This Day," which also has a Daily Reflection. Scripture grounds me. It feels as if I am wearing light weights around my ankles which will keep me from flying off into the ether. And the daily essays on saints and which saint's day it is always refresh me. They remind me that I am not the only one to suffer; I am not the only one whose life turned out differently from what they had hoped or imagined. And if I am lucky, sometimes in the early morning I feel God's presence, a holy wash over my body and mind, sustaining me, comforting me.

 

4/ I keep in touch with My Beloveds. This could be my two sons, my dear husband, some cousins, my pastor, and good friends. I do find that talking on the phone exhausts me. Somehow I do better with quick texts or emails. The loving concern from all of these folks helps sustain me as I await another consult with my surgeon where we will set a date for surgery. Please God let it be after our small vacation by the sea!

5/ I cook. You all know I am a passionate cook and foodie, although after this surgery with some nifty re-sectioning, I may have to change my tune. I follow "A Little Bit Yummy" and her wonderful recipes, designed for folks with IBS, Celiac disease, and other cool conditions. Something about lining up my ingredients on the counter; something about sizzling garlic and peppers in a good pan; something about cooking pasta and putting veggies in a sauce over all plumps up my soul.

 

6/ I remember. I have been doing a lot of thinking and going back into the past of my happy childhood in an ancient house not five minutes away. I was blessed to have two parents who loved each other and who loved us three kids. We had 11 acres of meadows, woods, and barns from the former chicken farm. All provided us with dare-devil times of jumping off of barn roofs, swinging on grape vines, and climbing to the tops of tall trees.  

7/ Never underestimate the power of retail therapy. I follow StitchFix, and just got an order several days ago when I was seriously down. Unpacking those new clothes, picked out for me by a stylist, totally switched my mood into a happier place. 

 

  And that is enough to be going on with for now as I try to live day-by-day, keep hopeful, not read too much dreadful news, and stay grounded in the present where God's grace abounds.