CATHOLIC BROAD EXAMINES CONSCIENCE--AND IS HORRIFIED!

                       WARNING! A SERIOUSLY CATHOLIC BLOG POST:

    I have been reading a book by Leah Libresco called, "Arriving At Amen." She was at first an atheist who pushed back hard and rationally against Catholic Theologians until one day--guess what--she converted to Catholicism in the space of one night after much thought and internal arguments. But not after having immersed herself in Catholic Theology, St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, and many more of the heavy-hitters.

 

    At first I kind of liked her. Then I didn't like her, partly because she is far to the right of me culturally and politically. She seemed to fall into the Scrupulosity camp, and for those of you who are not Catholic, these are folks who are always looking over their shoulders at possible sins committed; envy, anger, lust, pride, greed, lack of faithfulness, and so much more. She bugged me to be frank! I thought, "Good God, woman! Why are you falling into this camp?" But then--

    I think a lot of Catholicism falls into this, "But then...." venue. As I was reading her several days ago, sitting out on our sunny deck and blessing the warm weather and the fact that I STILL was alive despite 3 kinds of cancer 10 years back, I was struck by a spiritual thunderbolt. I saw I had fallen into a deep sin. I mean a deep, dark, unacknowledged, GOD-I-AM_SO_SORRY sin. 

    For years I thought I was doing pretty well on the Pride/sin business; supporting working-class people, cheering on Unions (my Dad was a big supporter), giving to the Food Bank, buying a new tent and sleeping bag for our Unhoused Neighbors, and more. But then...

    I realized that I was thinking, "Ya know, Annie is pretty damned good! Look at how I pray. See how I do my Rosary. Look at how often I go to Mass and kneel, only on one knee 'cause of knee surgery, and look at my pile of Catholic books! Caryll Houselander,

 Fr. Ciszek, Martin Buber, Alice Camille, the Catholic Catechism (whew!), "The People of the Lie," Amy Wellborn's "Daily Reflections for Catholic Women", and many more. I am my Mother's daughter, so I have piles of shaky books right next to my couch. But then...

    As I prayed, I knew. Knew with that piercing God-message that I had been fooling myself. I was PRIDING myself on how good I was; how I was helping others; how I was following Catholic writers and learning so much; how each day I read morning Scripture in "Give Us This Day," 

even following Fr. James Martin's "Friday's Faith Sharing" weekly to learn more about the Gospel reading for that Sunday. God. Sheesh. Shame and holy embarrassment.  But then...

    How could I have been fooling myself for so damn long? (And yeah, I am giving up swearing for Lent, just not 'til after this blog.) There is a terrible sin here, and I am a broad who HATES the word sin, and thinks that the Catholic Church focuses way, way too much attention it. 

   There is a darkness in being proud of this, about thinking you are doing pretty damn well. But then...

    I realize I must do something about this. As someone who knows the 9 circles of hell (see, being prideful about knowing Dante!), we remember that pride is at the very bottom with Satan frozen in ice with freezing tears falling down his beautiful/ugly face.

 I am there baby. I have the same icy tears flowing down my face, as I think, "Really, Annie, you think you are smarter, more politically aware, more compassionate than other people, even though you have been telling yourself you are not." Sigh. But then...

    What to do about this horrifying realization? I expect if I were a better person I would go to Reconciliation. There is still time after all, and we Catholics are meant to do this at least once yearly before Easter. I can still do it! I just wish Telehealth or Zoom would allow us to do a virtual Confession. I'd be so down with that, with my box of kleenex handy as I always blubber during Confession, although to confess--it has been over 8 years since my last Reconciliation. Sigh. But then...

 

    Annie's got to get her spiritual ass in gear. Maybe I need to fast a bit on Fridays, despite my autoimmune condition etc. etc. etc. (excuses, excuses!), I actually did do a Lenten fast two days ago, and I could pray the Sorrowful Mysteries on Friday as well to just get rid of some of this darkness in my soul. Perhaps that would help. I realize that this will all seem rather foreign and old-school Catholicism for those who are not Catholic. But there it is. It is all part of this soulful venture. But then...

    I think I have to make an appointment for face-to-face Confession. It is the only way I can do it. Then I can take out my Dante and read, Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita/mi retrovai per una selva oscura/che la diritta via era smarrita. ("Midway upon the journey of our life/I found myself in a dark wood/for the straight way was lost.") I was lost in the dark wood of pride for sure, thinking it was a sunlight forest. It wasn't.

 So Annie is gonna have to do some spiritual hosing out of the shadowy places and hope--with the help of God--that I can get back on track. And then, I will have to be very, very careful not to fall into the sin of pride again, because--knowing me--it will be a perilous journey with many steps forward and many steps backwards. But then...

    God's mercy is always bigger than my faults. I can count on that to keep me from wandering into a dark wood once again.